The Twilight Saga: Those are Vampires?! (spoilers)

From left to right: meet the friendzoned guy, fampires Bella and Edward and their daughter with the weirdest name ever.

Seriously. No. Those are not vampires, even though you try so hard for them to be. This Twilight Saga brings out the cheesy and lame romantic story between seventeen year old Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and the one-hundred and seven year old fampire (fake and vampire) Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).

This saga was probably one of the worst to ever portrait vampires. Edward Cullen is a fampire who has a very attractive figure and seems to be very mysterious and intriguing, which attracts every girl in his High School. He is a telepathic fampire, which means he can read other people's minds, but somehow misses to read Bella's - she is, in a very strange way, immune to his power. That's what mainly attracts him to her, besides his obsession for her human blood. This character is built in a very cliché way. He has a perfect body and he's the "different than any other guy I've met" type. This fampire spreads its poison through every fan girls mind into thinking that every guy in the world looks like Edward Cullen and acts like Edward Cullen. Of course Bella is the same thing. She is portrayed as a very introverted girl who doesn't want many attention to herself, the 'new girl' in school that strangely enough everyone seems to know. Obviously their appearance never corresponds to what humans actually look like in real life.

The crucial points for these fampires is how they shine in the sun. They literally sparkle everywhere. Here starts my questions about the word vampire and that's why I gave them this new, more accurate word. Vampires don't sparkle in the sun, fampires do. There's a very clear line between the cliché vampire and the real vampire that we see in real vampire movies.

The first movie of this saga is basically the numberless encounters Bella and Edward need to have in order to finally accept they are made for one another, while filling the story with unnecessary characters that are only there to... Just be there. As usual, something really bad happens at almost at the end of the movie in order for everything to end up in peace.

The saga moves on to its next movie, New Moon. There's always that point where - in this case, the writer - decides to give the fans what they never wished in the first place: a cliché book where the couple has a fight and breaks up. In New Moon, the question is this: how do we make a fampire break up with his human girlfriend? Well, the answer is very simple. Let's take a human to a house infested with fampires and organize a birthday party. Next, let's make the human cut herself with paper and then make her fly across the room only to fall on top of a table full of glass in order to emphasize the blood so that they have an excuse to make the fampires freak out. That's enough to make Edward Cullen have doubts about his very dangerous relationship with Bella, which causes them to break up. There you go. Simple and predictable.

The rest of the movie is about Bella using her useless friendzoned (or not, I don't even know) best-friend Jacob. I really don't see the point of making this character. The only obvious reason is, of course, to make another cliché out of this story: Bella develops a very questionable friendship with the friendzoned guy, which makes another series of fangirls scream in despair to have him and create the battle of the fangirls: who is best? Edward or Jacob? Ice or Fire? Lame.

Strangely enough, Bella sees Edward every time she enrolls in a very dangerous activity. That's the only reason why she hangs out with Jacob in the first place, but don't tell him that. She keeps pushing her limits until the ultimate cliché happens: let's bring the couple back together again. Question is, again, how do we break this nightmare of Bella and Edward apart from each other and bring back their old and passionate love?

Well, Bella decides to fall off a cliff just for the sake of seeing and hearing Edward. Seriously, he sounds like a father to me. Don't do this, don't do that. She tries to do this fun activity and there's the daddy telling her to stop. But Bella doesn't care. She is willing to do anything just to see and hear Edward. Let's analyze this from the start. When Bella falls off the cliff, Victoria - another fampire from the other movie, somehow has been stalking her (or maybe not, this story is too confusing and stupid) - starts swimming next to Bella, only to in a moment of panic Bella passes out and is rescued by the friendzoned guy. What happens next is another typical annoying teenage movie that is simply too stupid and predictable to even be considered a good story line. Edward assumes Bella is dead, which makes him go meet the Volturi group, so that he can kill himself. Obviously, given the fact that there's more books, he lives. The fampire and Bella reunite and live happily ever after.

There's a third movie called Eclipse. And this movie is just about a battle that happens in the fampire world that calls out to the werewolf's to come and help the poor Cullens. Again, they squeeze out the 'Bella-Jacob' love relationship so bad that they actually kiss. But Edward is fine with it.

By the end Jacob is injured (oh no!) and Bella goes to him, only to injure him even more and say that she chose Edward over him (really?) and break the romantic relationship between the two of them. Seriously, this movie seems like a big soap opera.

But wait! No, this saga is not yet done. The writer of the book had the idea of making another cock-sucker book to get money from our pockets. The movie industry thanks her, because now they can split that book into two movies, while the despair for the end of this ridiculous saga doesn't stop.

In the first half of the final movie, Bella gets married and pregnant. That's all that matters in the whole fucking book, because how can a human get pregnant from a fampire? How can a fampire perform the act? Oh, I get it. He's not a real vampire, so the vampire rules don't apply to this super powerful fampire. How come he doesn't freak out when Bella has her period? Seriously, this movie pisses me off. And in this movie they ­­­­can actually make the guy not want to have sex with the girl. I mean, what? Does that really happen that often?

Anyway, the story goes on about how Edward doesn't want to have sex with his wife but she somehow is so horny all the time that she can't get enough of it and gets pregnant. That's what you get from the dangerous activities, Bella. Obviously the friendzoned guy Jacob gets pissed about all this, but it doesn't matter really, because he's only there to fill in.

Part one of this movie ends with Bella going into a very painful labor, her bones breaking every second, her spine a mess, practically dead. Oh wait, she dies but Edward brings her back to life as a fampire. And the Volturi know about it. The baby is a girl with the most weird name ever: Renesmee.

Part two. Almost over! This final part of the final movie is dedicated to Bella's transformation to a fampire and her development as a newborn. And also some fight about their daughter and how the Volturi want her dead. I'm getting sick of this story. Glad it's over.